I have taken on “heightism”, and have begun to speak out when and where I can. This “open letter” is in response to an op-ed published by Cosmo.

(Note: I originally wrote this on March 1, 2021, in the hopes of getting it in front of Jessica and the other executives at Cosmo. I revised it on Sept. 1, 2022, and now again on August 14, 2023. I have also chosen to make it public. I had intended to send it privately to Jessica, but I failed or gave up on finding her contact info. It reads in the present tense, spanning 2020 into 2021, and updates are clearly indicated.)

Dear Jessica and all Cosmopolitan Executives,

I am writing in response to an op-ed you ran on your website, on July 29, 2020:

“The Best Dating Apps for Finding Something ~Real~, According to 7 Black Women”

(2022 edit: this occurs to have been changed to “7 Black Women on the Best, Most Inclusive Dating Apps They’ve Experienced”. Or perhaps the former was search engine metadata page info. It was a direct quote, hence the quotation marks.)

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a33457128/best-black-dating-apps/

Ironically this article was written by a white woman.

(2023 comment: maybe that’s why the title was changed.)

For context, I am a 5’6″, white male.

Over the last year (2020), due to quarantine, I got on dating apps, like millions of other people around the world. I got on five: Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OK Cupid, and Badoo. I put a lot of effort into nurturing them in order to connect with quality women in whatever context, from friendship to something casual, or perhaps even get lucky and find the love of my life.

2020 was also a year of a lot of political unrest. Of particular note was the emergence of the Black Lives Matter movement. Every single dating app I was on–and I imagine all of the others I was not–put out PSAs proclaiming their support for the BLM movement, and indicated that discrimination and hate speech would not be tolerated on their platforms.

(Before I continue, I feel in today’s “cancel culture” society, I must first proclaim that I have a lot of black friends, have dated several black women, and support their struggles. Black Lives Matter. While I’m at it, I also have a lot of gay, lesbian, and trans friends. Onward…)

As a 5’6” man (popularly considered “short” by many societies, especially white societies, and especially here in America where I live, despite the nation average being 5’9, only 3″ taller), I found these PSAs ironic and insulting.

Why?

Because discrimination and hate speech towards short men is not only tolerated, it is openly (even if quietly and insinuatingly) encouraged. It is just very easy to not notice it or skip by it because it is so conditioned and accepted as “normal”.

If you’ve ever used dating apps, you would know there are apps that either ask or in some cases require stats about the user. Typically, age tops the list, mandatory on all apps. What is interesting to me is that height is often a “required” stat. Hinge and OK Cupid are two such apps. I also briefly tried Meet Mindful. Height was required, and when I tried to not put it, it prompted the requirement as a “matchmaking essential”. Oh, OK, height is a matchmaking “essential”? Really? According to whom? Couldn’t we argue that opposing political views or religious beliefs are far more essential than a person’s height? But those aren’t mandatory. Only height. I’m sure other apps require height to be listed, I just haven’t tried them all.

(2023 update: yes there are others, and I am choosing not to list them at this juncture).

Over the last year, I have come across (and screenshot) more profiles discriminating or talking hatefully against a man’s height than I care to admit. There are three in particular that stand head and shoulders above the rest. Two of them I actually took action on, meaning I reported them and hope the platform banned them from using the app. Probably doubtful.

(2022 update: I have screenshot many more since and have a few that would make the list.)

(2023 update: I have screenshot yet even more. The sentiment is still the same, still openly allowed, if not encouraged.)

The first profile was on Tinder. I came across a woman whose entire bio was, “Short guys matter too, just not to me.”

I want you to think about this and really make this real. What if I–especially as a “straight, white male”–had for the entirety of my profile:

“Black women matter too, just not to me.”

What do you think would happen? Not only would I be quickly reported and banned from using the app. But before that happened, my profile would be screenshot and blasted all over the internet as the poster boy of white hatred in America. It would be an especially good look during 2020, when Trump was president, and running for reelection. Worst case scenario, some psychos might even find where I live and send me death threats or other threats of physical harm. Perhaps they would try to friend request me or follow my socials in order to troll me and cause havoc.

But let’s not limit it to black women. How about:

“Fat women matter too, just not to me.” (“Fat Phobe”)

“Flat women matter too, just not to me.” (more Body shaming)

“Ugly women matter too, just not to me.” (Impossible beauty standards)

“Immigrant women matter too, just not to me.” (xenophobia)

Pick your word, they all have a nice ring to them, don’t they? More importantly, we know that my profile would not be tolerated, and I would be banned from using the app.

The other profile I reported was on OK Cupid. This woman’s bio was fairly verbose, yet right in the opening section she exclaimed, “Short guys, GO HOME!!!” (yes, in all caps with exclamation points).

Once again, let’s do the substitution drill:

“Black women, GO HOME!!!”

“Fat women, GO HOME!!!”

“Flat women, GO HOME!!!”

“Ugly women, GO HOME!!!”

“Immigrant woman, GO HOME!!!” (perhaps ironically, this profile was an immigrant woman.)

Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn’t it?

In both cases, I reported the profiles to their respective app developers. I have no idea how much my reporting influenced the decision, but OK Cupid eventually updated the app and height is no longer mandatory but is instead now optional. Win!

(Note: I believe the app update referenced was at the beginning of 2021.)

I have to wonder what empowers women with the mindset that this kind of overt discrimination and hate speech towards shorter men is acceptable. That’s easy: the media of course. Which brings me to you, Cosmopolitan.

I am absolutely horrified by your article. The opening statement embodies all that is wrong in the world concerning discrimination towards a man’s height:

“But what’s exponentially worse than trying to figure out if someone is actually 6’0″ like their profile promises? Receiving messages that are totally inappropriate because of your skin color.” – Taylor Andrews, July 29, 2020. (With emphasis on “actually”.)

First of all, how in the world are a man’s height and racism mentioned in the same sentence? In what universe is a shorter man’s stature and racism comparable in any way?

Do you see how the hatred and discrimination are not direct, but rather inconspicuous? “You know what’s worse…”, insinuating that “dealing” with a man’s height is some horrible issue to begin with, bested only by the racial slurs the woman endures, while she (the imaginary, discriminated against woman herself) can openly and enthusiastically discriminate against shorter men. Should we parade around the dictionary definitions of Double Standard and Irony?

I’m particularly fond of the word “promises” as if a man’s height is some sort of gift to women; the gift women desire more than any other.

It also points to how pathetic women can be, that women would waste their valuable time “trying to figure out” if a man is as tall as he states in a profile. You’re so pathetic that that occurs as a good use of your time?

What sickens me the most is that the discrimination is spoken about in an almost joyful, humorous way. “You know what’s worse….” (implied – “Am I right, ladies?! Can I get an amen?!”)

The tone is somehow funny or comical, as if short men understand and are in on the joke that they are lesser sub-humans than taller men, and shouldn’t exist with the expectation that any decent, beautiful woman of value would want to fuck them. Just like slaves, we should accept and embrace our lower status in society, especially in the more primitive and important aspects of life, like being chosen to continue the species. Yes, it’s that significant. Not being chosen as a sexual partner is no laughing matter; it means the woman–who has 100% of the choice of whether the sex is going to happen or not–has decided the short man is unfit for procreation (as well as recreation).

What’s horrific is this discrimination isn’t found in some dark corner of the internet, some blog by a hateful female somewhere. This is Cosmopolitan, one of the most famous magazines in the world, read by millions. And this is the view and opinion that you encourage and reinforce with your readers? Celebration of height discrimination? And we wonder why heightism exists to the degree that it does? (And we wonder why men lie about their height?)

Let me tell you a bit about me for context. I have Hollywood looks (frequently told I should be an actor or model, both of which I’ve done). I’m in amazing shape (which is RARE at my age of 45), constantly physically active, incredibly intelligent and articulate, funny, compassionate, kind, friendly, yet also strong-willed and fierce, and dominant when the moment calls for it. I typically exude healthy masculinity. I also regularly attend seminars and read books to constantly expand my self-awareness and personal growth. I’m incredibly driven, ambitious, and resilient. I’m an amazing cook, I eat healthy and take care of my body. I keep a clean and organized home. I’ve raised three fur babies and love animals (responsible provider and caretaker). I am equally business-minded and creative and artistic. I have started multiple businesses, authored and self-published books, invented products, been on the radio, and produced music, including for celebrity drag queens. I have always stood up for women, LGBTQs, and other marginalized groups because I truly see us all as equals. I have even coached women who were being pushed around by men in a professional setting on how to most effectively and professionally “push back” against those men. And last but definitely not least, I am a passionate and attentive lover. And I’m probably leaving many other great qualities out.

As far as I can objectively observe, I am literally a “dream man”. I am everything that most women dream of finding in a man… aside from my “short” height (and a bank account with 8 or 9 zeros). When my height is not disclosed, I regularly have women telling me I’m handsome, a few telling me I’m gorgeous, beautiful, hot af, a sexy bitch, and on rare occasions I’ve had women tell me they can’t believe that I’m on a dating site, the same way that some men might say to a beautiful woman out of intimidation. Indeed, I have had intimidatingly beautiful women tell me that I intimidate them. Lastly, a highly-successful dating and intimacy coach stressed to me that I was “the transformed man all of his female clients were looking for”. He could have been stroking my ego to make me feel better about myself, though he said this to me in front of a group of men, and I still allow that he could have risked offending all the other men to make me feel special. Or… I really am that guy.

I don’t say any of this out of ego. How could I? Given the discrimination I have endured my whole life, there is no ego, nothing to brag about. Observing that I am possibly “attractive” or even “admired” is far different than “feeling desired” on a sexual level. I wonder all the time, if I have ALL of these things going for me, and women are going to discriminate against height to the degree that they would disregard everything else of who I am simply over media- and society- reinforced ideas around height, then God help all the other shorter men that don’t have everything that I’ve got going on.

The damage caused by this is not small. Not only do shorter men have to overcome the widely supported and reinforced stereotyping and discrimination, but there is objective damage done on dating apps as well. You may or may not know that all dating apps run on algorithms. And as women both swipe left and set filters to filter men out–specifically short men–what happens is the ELO score (ranking in the app) plummets. This was evidenced to me by the difference in beauty and quality of women showing up in my decks from apps where I didn’t put height, to apps where height was mandatory.

In one experience, when I signed up for Bumble–where height is optional–I decided to put my height at the time of setting up my profile, figuring I didn’t want to deal with women who discriminated on height. Within a few days, the quality of women I saw was very low, and I had very few likes and virtually no matches. This continued for months until I thought about the effects of the algorithm. I went in and deleted my height. Within one week, I started to see more attractive and quality women in my deck, and the number of likes increased exponentially. Though the damage had already been done, so I ultimately deleted the app. On Hinge, where height is mandatory (and I put the authentic number), from day #2, it was insulting to see the quality of women the app felt were a “perfect” match for me. Perfect of course being that my ELO score and the women’s ELO scores were in the same, undesirable range. I literally went months with only a couple of likes to my profile, before deciding to delete the app. This was the same experience on Meet Mindful, the brief period I spent on there (low-quality women and no likes). And also on OK Cupid. The only difference with OK Cupid (and Hinge to a lesser degree) is that you can write a message to your romantic interest, and as you can see, I am quite an effective writer and can compose intelligent opening messages, which most of my matches on these apps are a result of.

I know there are quality, attractive, high-value women on all these apps, so why am I not seeing them? By contrast, on Tinder–which has zero stat requirements–I see the highest quality women. Could it really be simply because of my height? What else is there? I typically use the same pictures and approximately the same bio language. Height is the only variable, with a noticeably negative impact when present.

(2023 update: I got back on Hinge, and this time I put my height at the max, which is 7′. I regularly have clearly high-quality women in my deck, and I’ve matched with several of them. Unfortunately, they all want to know if I’m really 7′ tall, and if not, how tall I really am, and most have an issue or unmatch outright, once they know I’m not super tall. And no, it’s not because I lied, it’s because they have a hangup.)

As you can see, this is a passionate issue for me that I am taking on. I understand that things are not going to change soon. I understand that the fight ahead of me is huge. I understand that a percentage of women are not going to want to date me based on one unimportant, insignificant metric (like me not wanting to date a woman because her boobs aren’t big enough). However, I will no longer tolerate the spread and support of this discrimination, especially by huge, well-known institutions, such as Cosmopolitan. And for all I know, you release articles like this regularly. I just happen to stumble upon this one.

I think you should retract your article and issue a public apology for your ignorance and celebrated hatred of shorter men. Maybe that would help in the fight to change the stereotype.

Perhaps a better article to write would be to sit down with me for a thoughtful discussion on the topic and start cracking open the stigma of men’s height in society. I invite the opportunity.

Which side of history do you want to be on?

Sincerely,

Jeff