A few personal tips for staying safe on dating apps.
Dating apps are dangerous places, unfortunately. They are crawling with tons of scammers who are intent on ruining people’s lives for their gain.
Cybercrime (as a broader category) is a well-covered topic, as fraud and online security become ever more significant aspects of our lives. There are courses, certificates, and careers on the subject. The basics for best safety practices are available online, so I am not going to cover the basics here. You should do some research to familiarize yourself (i.e. “catfish”, “phishing”, “vishing”, etc.). We are living in a time where it is no longer reasonable to remain ignorant of cybercrime. In addition to free online resources, there are also basic cybersecurity courses people can take to educate themselves on threats and the best practices to keep themselves safe. The more you familiarize yourself with cybercrime, the more empowered you will be using dating apps, as the criminals will be much more obvious to you.
Specific to dating apps, a quick Google search returned a handful of good resources you should familiarize yourself with. Listed below are the top few I liked. Check out these links, read what’s there, and then come back and finish reading what I have to say in addition.
(Search query was “top dating app safety tips”)
https://www.rainn.org/articles/online-dating-and-dating-app-safety-tips
https://protonvpn.com/blog/how-to-stay-private-on-tinder-grindr-bumble/
(Search query was “top dating app scams”)
https://allaboutcookies.org/online-dating-scams
https://www.aura.com/learn/dangers-of-online-dating
(I have experienced almost all of the scams personally. I have not been a “victim” of any of them per se; I have simply experienced scammers using the strategies in an attempt to scam me.)
In addition to these resources, there are a few other things I’ve learned (unfortunately from experience).
Social Media “Discovery”
Most social media platforms default to using a phone number to sign up. Additionally, the default privacy settings for “discovery” (how people can find you) are typically all turned ON, which includes name, phone number, and email address (etc.), all being searchable from the internet as well as from within the app. Since dating apps are typically set up with a phone number, and most of the time we use our real names on dating apps, this gives scammers an unsettlingly easy way to find our personal social media accounts. My suggestion is to thoroughly go through all privacy settings on all your social media accounts and turn off everything that isn’t absolutely essential.
If your profile is public, this means that your friends/followers lists are typically public as well (by default). If you don’t turn off the discoverability settings, that means scammers not only have access to you but your friends and family as well. Should you ever find yourself caught in an attempt to bully or threaten you, this is typically how it will go down: the scammer will use your phone number, name, and location to find your social media profiles, then find your friends and family members, and then send you screenshots of them communicating with your friends and family, in a blackmail attempt to control and extort money from you. For Facebook, even if your profile is set to “public”, you can still make many aspects of your profile—including your friend list, posts, and loads of personal information—viewable only to your “friends”. You then need to be extremely careful about whom you choose to accept as a friend (I recommend no one that you don’t personally know or who makes an obviously authentic introduction via chat).
VOIP
VOIP stands for “Voice Over IP”. IP stands for “Internet Protocol”, which is the numeric address assigned to you by your internet service provider. It is basically your digital address (i.e. 123.456.789.000). VOIP allows for the use of phone services when there is no actual phone. There are some wonderful applications for VOIP. There are also some great privacy advantages of using VOIP. If you have a “Google Voice” number for any reason, that is VOIP. It allows you to give out the Google Voice number instead of your own, and it acts as a “passthrough” for your real number, effectively masking your real number. Cybercriminals almost always use “fake” phone numbers to mask their online identity and take advantage of all these benefits.
Using or not using VOIP is tough to reconcile, for several reasons.
The links I suggested, in the beginning, advise setting up one of these numbers to keep your true “cellular service issued” number private. That sounds like an obvious positive. And, it’s more than just protecting your number. Your phone number is linked to tons of personal data about you. Obviously, we want all that kept private.
There are many subscription-based services that allow you to run phone numbers to get detailed reports on individuals. One that I use for free is www.numlookup.com. Numlookup is the only truly free service that I’ve found, that only takes a moment to search, and doesn’t try to sell me a report to get the info. It claims to be powered by “Been Verified”. Been Verified is one of the fully-featured investigative services. Typically, reports from these services can either be purchased individually or by a monthly subscription. With a mindset of defense and protection, we could easily assume that cybercriminals, who are scamming as a business, are most likely paying for subscriptions that will give them unlimited reports, and reports with the most amount of data.
This makes taking the action of getting a VOIP seem like a no-brainer. And honestly, it probably should be that way. I personally know women that do this to protect themselves.
The challenge is that at this point, any time I personally get a phone number off a dating app, check it on numlookup, and find that the number is VOIP, 99.99% percent of the time, I conclude that it’s a scammer and move on. If EVERYONE was using VOIP, then it becomes impossible to distinguish the scammers from legit people simply wanting to protect themselves. What do we do then? (Subject for another post, several of which have probably already been written and exist on the interwebs.)
Scammers with authentic numbers
When it comes to money scams, the links I listed simply state “Don’t send money to anyone”. That might seem obvious, and you might tell yourself you would never do that. Sometimes the person is so authentic in their con and verifiable in their details that you just might get scammed. I have.
The “gas money” scam. The most frequent scam I’ve experienced is the “gas money” scam. In this scam, I have gotten a verifiable phone number, spoken on the phone with the woman (so I know the person is a woman, local, and speaks the local English dialect fluently), gotten an address, made plans to meet up, and then the person asks for a “few dollars” to help with gas to get them to the meetup point. The con is that they will say, “I’m not a scammer, I would never do that, I don’t want to ask, I hate asking…” etc. and they will typically only ask for $10-$15. This might leave you thinking, “Even if it’s a scammer, it’s not much to lose, and I know who they are and where they live”. If you think this, you are entirely correct. However, the police aren’t going to get involved if you willingly give someone money, and odds are, if the amount is low enough, you won’t pursue them either. The scammer is banking on this. They’ll get the money and block, and you’ll be left feeling ripped off.
Lunch or coffee money scam. Scammers will often start with a small, insignificant amount of money, before building up to a bigger ask (similar to credit card thieves who make small purchases before attempting bigger purchases). I’ve been asked for food money tons of times. I’ve even been asked for a mere $2 for a coffee.
Blackmail/Extortion. Among the most frightening scams are the blackmail/extortion scams. This is detailed in the aura.com link above. I have been attacked a few times over the years. Before I get into what to do if this happens, in all cases, there was a “tag-team” effort from two numbers, and they were fully verified numbers with names attached. I could probably press charges, or at the very least, contact the cellular service provider and report the scammers. And maybe I should. The big idea is that I interacted with these scammers because their phone numbers checked out. I had names and numbers and felt a degree of safety.
(To illustrate the power of privacy, there was an attempt after I changed all my social media discovery settings. I disengaged super early in the interaction, and since all my social media accounts were undiscoverable, the scammer disappeared almost immediately, with no threats coming from them.)
Note: For anyone who might be thinking, “How could you be a victim of more than one attempt?” The answer is A) I have been using and navigating dating app landscape for years, and in that time I have spoken to hundreds of “profiles”. A few threats over the years is a micro percentage of the total communication. B) I have engaged with many known scammers so that I could learn what their strategies and tactics were. And C) you don’t know until you know, and con artists misrepresent themselves and mislead as a way of life. Sometimes, it’s nothing you’ve said or done; it’s details they reveal or actions they take, and when you disengage, they attack, hoping to intimidate you into thinking you’ve done something wrong simply by being connected to them.
Things to keep in mind if you are a victim of a blackmail/extortion attempt
- Do Not Panic. That’s easier said than done. You will mostly likely be shocked into “fight or flight” mode, which makes clear, level-headed thinking difficult. Breathe slow and deep and exhale fully each time.
- Do not engage the scammer. They are banking on your fear and reactiveness. Do not give them that. Do not threaten them in return. Go completely silent as quickly as possible. Obviously, this includes not answering any calls. The attack attempts where I did engage (via text), I took on a “lol, whatever, no one cares” communication tone. They want you to be frightened. When my communication indicated that I wasn’t intimidated, they didn’t have any leverage. AND… It’s best to go silent and not engage.
- Block all communication, as quickly as possible. In my experience, there were two phone numbers tag-teaming the effort (calls, video calls, and texts). Block both/all numbers. It’s much easier to think of next steps when you’re not getting bombarded with calls and threatening texts. If you are connected on social media, block them there too.
- No one is coming to get you and you are safe. Scammers are typically not local. This might be more of a thing in major metros as there is a large percentage of travelers and migrants, so out-of-state numbers (that are still authentic and verifiable) are common. If the area code is local, then call the police, and maybe the police can go get them. Odds are they are back in their home state.
- If the scammer contacts anyone you know, consider that the “proof” you were shown is a false flag. Almost all messenger services (including Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, and even iMessage), have a very short “unsend message” window. The scammers most likely send a message, take a screenshot, and then unsend the message. Why? Because if the scammer gets reported to the platform, they will be banned from the platform, effectively putting them “out of business”. They don’t want to lose access to the platform. They want to use terror tactics to make you believe that the message was sent. Obviously, a message was (if you saw a screenshot), but what you didn’t see was that they immediately unsent the message, and probably blocked the person they sent it to as well.
- Realize that this happens to EVERYONE, and everyone includes law enforcement and other public servants. AND… don’t be ashamed to talk to the police to get the best advice possible (assuming you didn’t actually break any laws). One time that I was a victim of an attempt, I called the police department and had an amazing conversation with the officer there. He calmed me down, told me not to worry, that I didn’t do anything wrong, and that this happens even to officers and other public servants. He acknowledged and thanked me for being open with him so that he could support me as best as possible. When we’re ashamed to speak to authorities, they can’t help us. Assuming you didn’t actually do anything illegal (most text communication is not), and ceased communication the moment you knew or suspected the person might be a scammer, then you didn’t break any laws and the police aren’t going to come and get you. (Obviously, this is not legal advice, it is only my personal experience.)
- Scammers move on quickly. Unless you are a celebrity (or have bragged about how much money you have), you are not that interesting, and I mean that in the best way possible. Scamming is a “job”, and I imagine that in some cases, there are full-fledged businesses set up with employees on shifts. As “targets” of scammers, we are effectively like “sales leads”. As someone who has spent most of his professional life in sales, I can tell you that it is a good use of time to pursue hot leads and a waste of time to pursue dead leads. When you take the first 3 steps (remain calm, don’t engage, and block the phone numbers/social media profiles), you will become a dead sales lead to the scammer, and they will move on to their next victim. It is not a good use of their time pursuing you as a dead lead.
Watch for immediate unmatches
The links at the top have great advice for what to do and not do when using dating apps. The one other thing I would add is to watch for immediate unmatches after you get contact information. The typical reasons we would legitimately unmatch someone we’ve contacted offline are if a) we had a negative experience in real life or met and didn’t see potential together, b) we were getting into a relationship with that person and were deleting the app altogether, or c) the app has an “online now” indicator of some sort, and we wanted to keep our app activity private from our matches we were meeting with in real life. Even if we just wanted to “clean up” our matches, and remove people we’ve met in real life, odds are it wouldn’t be immediate, as we might want to reference back to their profiles for conversation topics, at least in the beginning.
In my experience, scammers unmatch almost immediately after we get in contact off the app. Why? Same reason why they unsend messages on social media: access to the app to run their business. If you can report the profile as a scammer (especially if you can show proof) they will get banned from the app and be out of business, at least until they get a new number. It should always be a red flag any time you see one of your matches unmatch you the moment you connect off the app.
That is all for now. If I remember or encounter anything new, I will update this document.
Until then, stay safe out there!